"What is normal? Normal is yesterday and last week and last month taken together."
"There was a knock at the door.
“I say? Are you decent?” Lady Ramkin boomed cheerfully.
“I’ve brought you something jolly nourishing.”
Somehow Vimes imagined it would be soup. Instead it was a plate stacked high with bacon, fried potatoes and eggs. He He could hear his arteries panic just by looking at it. […]
“Er,” he began, not used to addressing ladies from a recumbent position in their own beds. […] Another stab of pain from his stricken side made him wince.
“You’ve got some very bad bruising and probably a cracked rib or two,” she said. “If you roll over I’ll put some more of this on.” Lady Ramkin flourished a jar of yellow ointment.
Panic crossed Vimes’s face. Instinctively, he raised the sheets up around his neck.
“Don’t play silly buggers, man,” she said. “I shan’t see anything I haven’t seen before. One backside is pretty much like another. It’s just that the ones I see generally have tails on. Now roll over and up with the nightshirt. It belonged to my grandfather, you know.”
There was no resisting that tone of voice. Vimes thought about demanding that Nobby be brought in as a chaperon, and then decided that would be even worse.
The cream burned like ice.
“What is it?”
“All kinds of stuff. It’ll reduce the bruising and promote the growth of healthy scale.”
“Sorry. Probably not scale. Don’t look so worried. I’m almost positive about that. Okay, all done.” She gave him a slap on the rump.
“Madam, I am Captain of the Night Watch,” said Vimes, knowing it was a bloody daft thing to say even as he said it.
“Half naked in a lady’s bed, too,” said Lady Ramkin, unmoved. “Now sit up and eat your tea. We’ve got to get you good and strong.”
Vimes’s eyes filled with panic.
“Why?” he said.
Lady Ramkin reached into the pocket of her grubby jacket.
“I made some notes last night,” she said. “About the dragon.”
“Oh, the dragon.” Vimes relaxed a bit. Right now the dragon seemed a much safer prospect."
— Captain Vimes convalescing at Lady Ramkin’s (Guards! Guards!
, Terry Pratchett)